Roughly seven weeks ago, "Bailout 1" was brought to you by the Bush Administration. You were told, among other things, that Treasury Secretary, Henry Paulson and Fed Chairman, Ben Bernanke were Geniuses. You were told that the two had worked tirelessly on this Bailout Program. You were also told that if the Bailout Plan was not passed, on-time, without amendment...yesterday, there would be an economic meltdown, financial Armageddon, and that we would witness the end of the world as we know it.
John McCain suspended his Campaign and pledged to remain in Washington until the Bailout Bill passed and was signed into law. Barack Obama offered bi-partisan support for the legislation, and the President flexed his lamer than lame dork muscles in an effort to win over, primarily those members of his own Party, who were more in favor of "Bailout Deux".
The Bailout Bill failed...driven to defeat during a session of the House of Representatives which was carried live by ever channel from CNN to the Game Show Network. After the defeat, sales of bottled water, handguns and even, God Forbid, SPAM, went up by more than 900% nationwide.
It was back to the drawing board for the cadre of Administration Geniuses (or Geniei, if you prefer). President Bush had the White House Veterinarian make an appearance to slap a cast on his broken wings, massage the old webbed feet, and present the Chief Executive with a new pair of gold-plated knee pads and a tube of K-Y Jelly for his Prayer Breakfast with the House Republican Caucus. And, John McCain backed down on his pledge not to participate in the very first Presidential debate with Barack Obama.
Oh...and the world didn’t end in the process.
About a week later, Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumber were still parroting their Chicken Little Leader’s notion that the sky was falling, as "Bailout, The Sequel," made its way through another nationally televised Countdown to Devastation.
Strangely enough, House Republicans were now said to be on board, by virtue of a deal which John McCain claimed to have brokered. The arrangement was supposed to be designed and constructed with more guarantees, less direct purchase of toxic debt or other investment, and gave taxpayers a greater opportunity to not only get their money back...but to turn a profit. There were still no guidelines, no rules, regulations or instructions...despite the fact that by now, even the most reactionary and radical legislators on each side of the aisle were acknowledging that the single reason why we were in this situation in the first place...was the lack of guidelines, rules, regulations and instructions.
What there was in the newest, and most successful version of the Bailout Bill, however, was literally billions in pet pork projects...all of which John McCain and even Kosher Joe Lieberman didn’t even have to hold their noses to get past their respective waddles. "Bailout II" was passed, signed, sealed, delivered...crisis averted. Congress gave Hanky Panky Paulson $250 Billion Dollars right off the bat, and the Bush Brain Trust was to start buying up bad debt from anyone holding any...the stock market would be back at 14,000 before Sarah Palin got through asking Senator Biden if she could "call him Joe," and home prices were to be back at record highs before early voting began in Florida.
Roughly a month later...
Ben Bernanke changed his name to "The Financial Wizard Formerly Known As Ben," could legally sign documents with his new signature, "$$$," and was living in a kibbutz on an island in Fiji, while Hanky Panky and his new, old pal Neel Kash-N-Kari were handing out no-bid contracts to other old, new friends of theirs to administer a program which despite the best efforts of anyone who at least pretended to care, gave Batman and Robber, virtually unfettered abilities to run faster and looser with their Congressional Allowance than two Judges at the Annual Malibu Chili Cook Off, who forgot to bring their Immodium.
Oh...and, the world didn’t end yet, either.
However...more banks did go under; no toxic debt was bought, the only people who got paid were those old, new friends previously referenced, and...AIG Executives, whose $150 Billion Dollar shot-in-the-arm wasn’t part of the $250 Billion which Neel & Hank still had stuffed in the mattress they were apparently sharing...were at a million dollar retreat, sunning their nether regions at taxpayer expense...and being pretty damned indignant, in response to even Congressional "WTF" Inquiries.
This past week...
In response to another 1500 point drop in the markets, complete chaos on Wall Street, in the housing markets, and among the investor community worldwide, Henry "You Can Call Me Pat" Paulson, played his own version of the Meet The Press, Home Game, with the lovely but not so talented, Maria Bartiromo...where he let the world know that despite what he had told the Congress (about buying up bad debt)...the Treasury Department had no intention of ever buying up any bad debt.
Congress...thinking that perhaps the Duck was Lame, but not yet Limp, and had kinda done them one last time...cranked up Hearings, demanding no less than to be actually made aware of the terms of "Bailout III"...the one they had heard about, but never actually voted on, OR APPROVED. After all, even Dean Wormer ultimately told the Deltas the terms of their Double Secret Probation. It was only fair that King George and his $500 Million Dollar Goldman Sachs Reject (Hanky Panky), formally advise the Congress that the Initiation to this Fraternity did, in fact, include being bent over and taught the meaning of the word disrespect.
Oh...and by the way, the world didn’t end either,
However...nearly the all of the remaining one million US Autoworkers were on the verge of losing their jobs, Citibank was laying off 40,000 more employees, total projected Wall Street layoffs prior to Christmas were now over 300,000...even Goldman Sachs shares were $50 below Warren Buffet’s recent buy-in price, and of course, Fannie and Freddie, who supposedly started the whole mess, were announcing more than $50 Billion Dollars in new losses, AFTER the government had taken them over and already pumped $200 Billion Dollars into the two entities.
There was one other strange, odd, curious kind of issue, question, thing about what Mutt & Kashkari were spouting now, too.
According to the testimony being given to the Congress this past week...
Of the $250 Billion Dollars which was authorized thus far by Congress, apparently well over $300 Billion has either been distributed or obligated by the Treasury, without any return to seek additional authority over the initial $250 Billion.
In addition, Treasury, and Treasury alone...meaning Moe & Larry, without even any email consultation with the vacationing "$$$," are determining what corporate entities are, or are not eligible to receive funds which have not been authorized, but are being authorized and apparently spent, under rules and regulations which don’t exist and still have never been transmitted to the Congressional Overseers who are actually writing the checks.
To make matters worse...each time Hanky My Paulson tells a company which is already billions in debt, that they cant get any money from whatever version of "Bailout Madness" he is playing at the moment...the company in question simply uses MORE borrowed funds, to buy one of the banks that the FDIC is about to padlock...and all of a sudden, the now deeper in debt company, IS entitled to pull up a chair at the milk-laden 44 DD’s under Henry and Neel’s unfettered discretionary management, and spend as much time at the old Govmint Teats, as they like,
American Express...not eligible to participate in the "Bailout Bonanza"...hell, become a bank holding company at no cost, on an emergency, expedited basis...and watch Hank toss several Billion Dollars your way.
Genworth Financial...your stock price is $0.85, down from $35.00. You are as much as $70 Billion in debt, and less than a day away from Bankruptcy. You are not eligible for even the expanded Insurance Company Edition of the "Bobbing For Bailout Bucks" game, because of your shitty credit rating. HOWEVER...if you buy a bank...you can still find a Get Out Of Debt Free Card in your Holiday Gift Box. SO...Genworth taps THE LAST CREDIT LINE IT HAS AVAILABLE...to the tune of $960 Million Dollars, buys a bank which the FDIC couldn’t find a buyer for ANYWHERE...and is now eligible for over $3 Billion in Bailout Bucks.
Hartford Insurance Group...couldn’t get a dime in bailout money, because its stock price and credit rating were likewise, one flip of the handle away from residing in a sewage treatment facility. Well...guess who ELSE now owns a bank, TOO? At least Harford was smarter than Genworth. Hartford only had to spend a mere $10 Million on a shitty little bank that was itself on the verge of collapse...in order to become eligible for yet another $3.1 BILLION DOLLARS in Bailout Money.
And...no money to save jobs of Autoworkers, the market is still tanking, no new loans are being made with bailout money, unemployment is higher than it has been in thirty years, hedge fund redemptions threaten to take the market deeper into a legitimate depression, George Soros has moved nearly his entire portfolio into Wal-Mart stock, three more banks are likely to fail this coming week (if they aren’t bought up by a local bowling alley looking to cash in on Hank & Neel’s Big Adventure), and from a remote undisclosed location somewhere in or near Fiji...even "$$$" is privately acknowledging that the original $700 Billion Dollar Bailout Plan...Modified Plan...Screw It We Just Make It Up As We Go Along Plan, will actually cost between $2.5 and $3 TRILLION DOLLARS...which will STILL not buy up any of the bad debt that was promised, STILL not offer any meaningful mortgage relief to homeowners, STILL not require banks to make new loans, and STILL not produce EVEN ONE NEW MANUFACTURING JOB IN THIS COUNTRY...or, prevent CEOs from re-structuring compensation packages to allow them to leave failed or failing companies, with the lions share of the money which taxpayers ponied up to keep them in business.
The good news is...the world didn’t end, the rich still get richer, and by the time the inflation on the $3 Trillion Dollar Bailout Package kicks into high gear...the United States will be in the middle of either a Civil War brought on by a 25% Unemployment Rate, or a World War, brought on by the fact that the Chinese and Saudis are dumping dollars as if they really weren’t worth the paper they were printed on.
Whew...at least we’ve got that going for us.